A new twist to an old tradition


Last updated 1/4/2023 at 7:20pm | View PDF

I have never been a fan of New Year’s resolutions. The way I figure it, if you want to partake in self-improvement activities, why wait until Jan. 1? The date is utterly immaterial. But the pathetically predictable resolutions are the things that really irk me.

Like losing weight. I already know I could use to shed a few pounds. That scenario is the same on New Year’s Day as it was on the Fourth of July. I’ve made the effort in the past, and yet here I am once again, lamenting over the amount of food I ate during the holidays.

Find more time to exercise. There’s always been plenty of time to exercise no matter what the date on the calendar says. There are also plenty of excuses. What I really should do is find less time to lay on the couch. But I shouldn’t make it too unattainable.

Honestly, do I really need to learn a new hobby, take up yoga or read more books? Actually, that last one would be a no-brainer. I haven’t read an entire book since sophomore year of high school. Even one book in 2023 would be an improvement.

The truth is, for many of us, the concept of a New Year’s resolution just winds up being a setup for failure. How many of them wind up lasting no more than a month or two?

That’s why this year I’ve come up with a brilliant solution. Instead of making promises I know I can’t keep, I’ve decided to start bad habits that I know will never last. That way, when I quit them, I can proudly boast that I achieved all of my resolutions.

For starters, I think I’ll start smoking. There’s no way that one will last more than a few hours. I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of satisfaction already.

I’m also going to take everything out of the drawers in my house and put them somewhere else. Nothing infuriates me more than not being able to find something that wasn’t put back properly. Reorganize in the New Year? No problem. It’ll be done by lunch time.

I think I’ll also quit watching football on TV. That way, when I spend the next three weekends on the couch watching game after game, I can tell my wife I overcame my affliction of never watching football again. I can see the look of pride on her face right now.

See? It’s really not that difficult once you put your mind to it. I will knock off so many resolutions this year, no one will believe it! Heck, I might even read a book. Doubtful, but you never know.

Good luck with your own unique resolutions, and Happy New Year!

— John Bourjaily of Golfview Hills is a contributing columnist. Readers can email him at [email protected].


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