The suburban dad Olympiad

"Welcome to the Hinsdale Community Pool! It's a scorcher out here today, Diane, and the competition is really heating up!"

"You're right there, Bill. If you're just joining us, we've already seen some spectacular performances. Over in the shallow end, Henry and Reagan secured gold by throwing all four of their shoes into the pool in under 9 seconds."

"Were points awarded for shooting between Grandpa's legs while he listened to his audiobook?"

"Involving Grandpa is a hit with the judges, Bill, but don't forget that this event's key objective is annoying other pool patrons."

"Well, they've accomplished that. Check out the scowl on the older lady in the floral swim cap."


"What's happening in the baby pool? Scoring over there isn't exactly child's play."

"Actually, Bill, that's exactly what it is. Athletes try to amass the most minutes possessing the most pool toys. Points are awarded for the complexity of the toy and the number of kids trying to take it from you. A cup will get you on the board, but you've got a better chance of medaling with the aircraft carrier."

"Looks like Charlie and Rory have circumvented the pool and are grabbing toys right from that pregnant lady's stroller. Her kids aren't too happy about it, though. Aren't those their toys?"

"That's why this event is like baby shampoo - it always brings out the tears."

"This is a good time to remind our viewers that today's events are sponsored by chlorine. Chlorine: Because by the time you ask him, he already went."

"Over in the diving pool, I can't help but notice the athlete currently on the high dive; I can hear his knees knocking from here."

"The one who's twice the height of the children in line? That's Peter Celauro, and our producers tell us this suburban dad was inspired by 14-year-old Quan Hongchan's gold-medal diving on TV. Apparently that inspired him to achieve some new goals before he turns 40 in December."

"How has he been preparing for success?"

"Well, earlier he ate some pizza and an ice cream sandwich from the concession stand, plus the last half of a Doritos bag some other family left on the table. His wife called a Sanitation Violation and sent him to the locker room to wash his hands."

"Gross. Here he goes, folks - a nice bounce, toes pointed, and - oof. You hate to hear that sound."

"The shriek of terror or the slap of skin hitting water?"

"I was thinking of the cackling 8-year-olds."

"It's a cruel summer, Diane. No medal for Celauro today, but up next: It's the Sunburn and Tanlines Competition! We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

- Peter Celauro is a former contributing columnist. Readers can email him at [email protected].