Hinsdale could host its own Summer Games

The Tokyo Olympics — which start Friday — will feature 11,000 athletes competing in 339 events across 33 sports over 17 days.

The 621 members of Team USA hope to capture their fair share of the 5,000 medals available (made out of 79,000 tons of recycled electronics). NBCUniversal will air more than 7,000 hours of Olympics coverage on TV and streaming video, starting at 6:55 a.m. Friday with a live broadcast of the opening ceremony.

After waiting for almost a year for these Summer Games, we’re more than ready. We’re so excited, in fact, that we came up with our own list of Olympic events we think could play out right here in Hinsdale.

• Artistic driving — in lieu of artistic swimming, pavement substitutes for water as drivers repeatedly circle the parking deck at First and Garfield looking for a spot.

• Boxing — Longtime favorite eatery Page’s takes on the recently relocated Egg Harbor to retain its title as the No. 1 breakfast spot in downtown Hinsdale.

• Canoing — Residents of northeast Hinsdale inadvertently trained for this event three weeks ago when heavy rains turned their streets into rivers.

• Football — The Red Devils’ gridiron squad planned to squeeze this event between their spring and fall seasons. They were confident they’d earn a medal — until they realized Olympic football is played on a pitch.

• Golf — In this adaptation, Ruth Lake Country Club members will tee off against their rivals from Hinsdale Golf Club for the title of best-dressed duffer.

• Gymnastics — A certain Patch reporter is the favorite in this contest, in which writers perform verbal gymnastics to make mundane happenings appear controversial.

• Field hockey — The youth and inexperience, professionally speaking, of the Hinsdale Central Hockey Club is put to the test against the older and more experienced Blackhawks alums who have called Hinsdale home at one time or another as both teams struggle with playing on grass intead of ice.

• Pentathlon — The Hinsdale High School District 86 Board is a shoe-in for a gold, having developed the stamina necessary to compete through meetings that last about as long as a pentathlon.

• Sport climbing — In another modified category, Hinsdale’s 1-percenters are expected to sweep the medals in social climbing.

• Swimming — Spectators, who will be allowed only at this event, will enjoy watching any competition at the new Hinsdale Central natatorium, where the overwhelming smell of chlorine and heavy humidity are things of the past.

• Tennis — District 86 and Community Consolidated Elementary District 181 engage in a spirited back-and-forth with the Illinois Department of Public Health and the Illinois State Board of Education on new COVID-19 restrictions, sure to be released at the last minute before the 2021-22 school year begins.

• Triathlon — Developer Ryan Companies has lost the first two legs of this race, but hopes its third plan for Hinsdale Senior Residences at the corner of Ogden Avenue and Adams Street will get a gold medal from the Hinsdale Village Board.

• Weightlifting — The Hinsdale High School District 86 board has tackled the weighty topics of integrated math and the “physics first” science sequence. What heavy lifting is in store in the next round of competition?