Scary scenarios offered in honor of Halloween

Halloween is a time for all things spooky, from haunted yards (see Page 17 for a driving tour) to skeleton charcuterie boards (Eew!) to the scary-bad “Halloween Ends.”

The final issue in October also is a time when we like to stretch our imaginations to think of all the things we most fear happening in this charming village.

And so, once again, we offer this list of frightening possibilities for our fair hamlet. Beware the sarcasm.

• An unsuspecting hostess lights a bewitched candle, and the flying witches, werewolves and skeletons all over town come to life at midnight Oct. 30 for 24 hours. Once they realize Hinsdaleans pass out full-size candy bars and glasses of red wine on Halloween, they take over the sidewalks and spend the rest of the day ringing doorbells, much to the chagrin of small children also trying to trick or treat.

• Hinsdale Central Red Devil athletic teams don’t win any state championships this school year. Oh, wait — they’ve already won two!

• Village staff decide to maximize the investment in holiday lighting by turning on all the lights in the central business district on Nov. 1.

• The affiliation of AdventHealth and the University of Chicago Medicine is followed by another affiliation with Edward-Elmhurst Health. The hospital in town wins a nationwide contest for the longest name — The Advent Edward University Elmhurst Chicago Hinsdale Hospital.

• The SAFE-T Act goes into effect Jan. 1 as is.

• Voters get really wild in the spring elections and elect a third woman to the Hinsdale Village Board.

• The concrete mix used in the Garfield Avenue reconstruction project is recalled, forcing the village to rebuild the road a second time in 2023, inconveniencing drivers from May to October.

• Only 92 percent of Hinsdale Central graduates go on to college (instead of the regular 93 percent), undermining the district’s “Tradition of Excellence” motto and resulting in the revocation of the school’s Blue Ribbon status.

• Enthralled with the new sales tax revenue from the McLaren Dealership once it opens, village trustees pass an ordinance requiring all residents to drive a car that is no more than 2 years old and costs at least $150,000.

• Commuters return to work five days a week, the demand for permits in the commuter lot skyrockets and Hinsdale’s revised parking plan has to be revised yet again.

• Hinsdale High School District 86 holds a two-hour meeting at which there is no public comment, no one is accused of insulting a district staff member, board members don’t bicker and no new agenda items are suggested.

• A new strain of COVID is discovered that mysteriously afflicts only those who earn more than $500,000 a year. Hinsdale Hospital is overwhelmed with cases.

• Jim Slonoff can’t find a cute kid to put on the cover of The Hinsdalean.