The land of Red Devils easy prey for dark side
Last updated 10/30/2019 at 3:45pm | View PDF
It’s Halloween in Hinsdale. A time of revelry for both young and old as children finally get to don those carefully chosen costumes, while parents make them put a jacket over because it’s 37 degrees.
But lurking in the shadows, just beyond the glowing jack-o-lanterns and illuminated front yard water features, frightful events are stirring in our imagination that would cause anyone’s hair to stand up. Even without a visit to the blow bar.
We turn our shielded eyes to the downtown parking deck now under construction, a shining symbol of intergovernmental cooperation (after months of sniping and tense mediation). All that digging around was bound to unearth an evil that should have remained buried, and apparently those fears are confirmed. Residents have reported seeing apparitions rising from the site in ghostly vehicles that are constantly bumping into one another as they check their iPhonetasms. Technically they’re driving hands-free since, well, they don’t have hands. But still, let’s keep those lifeless eyes on the road.
Speaking of roads, the expansion of the Tri-State Tollway certainly has raised the specter of the expressway pushing closer to people’s homes, a revenue hit from the loss of the Hinsdale Oasis, and, most horrifyingly, the prospect of Western Springs residents not having a pedestrian walkway to easily access Starbucks and Whole Foods. But with sources (extremely unreliable) revealing that Western Springs is considered a prime spot for a zombie apocalypse — what do think that water tower’s really for? — the fewer contact points the better.
We hear Village President Tom Cauley has supernatural designs on running for a fourth term. Well, as long he doesn’t get our endorsement, he should have nothing to fear there.
Then there’s the mystery surrounding that suddenly monstrous pool planned for Hinsdale Central. “What’s another four lanes?” you may ask. Um, did the movie “Gremlins” teach us nothing? Some jet-set resident returns home with a cute creature from abroad, somehow makes it through customs and then that Mogwai finds its way to the pool? This town will have 10 lanes worth of chaos to deal with. Why invite trouble? OK, the film may have scarred us a little bit more than we thought.
Back on dry land, the issue raising real fears across the community is the arrival of 5G. Health concerns over the high frequency wave network and the idea of hundreds of unsightly poles marring the charming neighborhoods have many ready to march through the streets with torches and pitchforks. Or, at least with smartphone lights and salad tongs.
The answer is clear — everyone back to landlines! When has anything scary been associated with a landline? Texting is where the real danger is, not to mention social networking. Is anyone else still haunted by “covfefe?”